A Piece of the Program

The Devil Wears Prada 2 just hit Hulu and I sat down to watch it. I immediately thought I should watch the first one and make it a double feature. Replaced again just as immediate, you should get a projector and do the double feature outside. And then a few slower ones, company would be nice, aligned company, is anyone ready for that?

I am not used to quiet houses, although I have mostly lived in quiet houses. Noise in loud houses is common, various sounds and intensities, so quiet becomes something you read louder. It is the opposite in a quiet home, any loud stands out, sometimes shockingly so. But when you are accustomed to both, you pivot easily enough.

I was young when I needed to rent my own apartment. I was technically 19 when I formally started renting, but I had been homeless for two years prior. I went from living in my family home, to squatting in the family home I was abandoned in, then I was homeless, then I lived with my boyfriend in a basement apartment his parents fixed up for us, then my nana's couch, pullout, then finally she let me move in. Being unwelcome as an innocent is unbearable and you bear it in silence, an outlier with total awareness.

At that age 19 my friends had parents', which means parents homes they lived in. I was the only one displaced. They weren't in a hurry to move out and get places, so I lived and stayed in an unhealthy relationship because it became my foundation. I never wanted to live a male centered existence. I didn't grow up picturing myself as a bride, and I knew from my earliest thoughts I wanted to bear no children. So, when he applied endless pressure of reproducing it was a big conflict of interests. To me it felt like he was trying to break me, like they break horses, and I simply am not participating in either.

After that I lived alone with just myself, my one bedroom and my two cats Tegan and Riley the only children I ever wanted. But also, the compromise I didn't want to make that he had left me with, the responsibility of caring for life from deficit, and being totally aware. There were a lot of ups and downs, my sitting alone feeling left out. But I was used to being alone and neglected from relationships and I learned to occupy my time with what I had and what I had space for. I kept myself looking forward, but my present was always a passing cloud of grief, sometimes storms, but never enough time for one cloud to dissipate before another came round.

It was in that grief I was subject to societal programming, that is how they get the bright ones, they have to compound things, grief, meeting a deceased loved one's unknown expectations, being around an influx of people getting married and having children, and safety, a provision against being left again, an agreement that growth would be a joint effort no longer individual.

This is all what led to me to the three total years I wasted to be married to a manipulative manchild for 9 months. I want to add a layer to the programming here and introduce you to the movie Fever Pitch, and Jimmy Fallon's character. A brief overview for you, Drew Barrymore is a smart successful businesswoman with goals and social calendar based around wellness. Jimmy is the man that pursues her over a hit to his ego of an implied dare from an actual child. He then commandeers all her time, throws an emotional temper tantrum when she begins to enforce boundaries, to which she completely folds, begins failing at work and then is brutally injured and he makes a sexual advance in her weakened condition and then she gets arrested preserving his way of life.

That pretty much describes my "marriage" where I pulled away from my career and fitness goals, lost my social circle, became sick with disease, forced to perform through my sickness for his image of fun and image. While I was my own provider, my ability to provide for myself depleted as he basked in the image of relationship he found fulfilling. Until he overstepped, and the boundaries crossing with his growing emotional instability became more and more obvious. Then the gaslighting came, I said, "You look like someone who would hit his wife" and he did, he had me blocked in the bathroom no escape, his eyes turned to black and I saw my future. I was in there cleaning to avoid the escalation, use the energy in a productive task. I had seen that anger in him the year before when he kicked the heater across the room in his yearly Christmas temper tantrum. His stepfamily stating, "he sits in silence then explodes like the Tasmanian devil" Okkkkkk cool I thought. The thing is he didn't see his face that day, his stance, his body positioning, I noticed and although I was still in a merit of denial and trauma a lot of my actions I see became erratic in order to keep myself safe.

Anyways his childlike deflection turned to insane deflection and paranoia where he convinced himself, others and tried to convince me I would file false charges on him. Now I want to refer everyone to the above relationship subject 1 and ask him what I would have done call the cops or defend myself. I do not call the police; I live by a code of the streets. Sorry it is what is it is, and it matters here.

The thing with that relationship is the mental and emotional went very deep. To explain that I have to back up a bit and tell you how and why we even met. I left NYC on the last bus on a Sat night because my mother who was supposed to be caring for my cats, the ones I stated I wasn't prepared to care for, you know because I wanted to be able to leave my house and live, but that other dude, subject 1 wanted me locked down in the house. Anyways I can't sleep on public transport, and what does an artist do before they create? They self-harm so I made an online dating profile and let this subhuman read and study my honest words, while I read a bio of someone, he wanted to be not who he was. And there followed the psychological disaster that I have been reviewing ever since.

And yes, I did go right into another delusion, subject 3 driven by my home getting directly shot with a bullet twice. Take it easy on me here, my troubles aren't exactly self-promoted. This was some fun programming of zodiac, past lives, mushroom trips, an actual drugging, a blacked-out island, almost driving off cliff, multi-cultural meltdowns, and then the freeze out, the isolation and the energetic transference. This lasted solely because I had no home turf, then I compromised what I came to know as my home turf.

That's where I realized all my pain and suffering was coming from the experience of others. Their sadness was the times they wanted cuddle me, how special. Their avoidance to their own emotions depicted in their sexual inclination toward me, their anger directed through words, and sabotage. The second one took my health and wealth; the third one took that and my beauty.

This is a cautionary tale.

Independence consists of more than what our society has depicted or exemplified. There is an utter lack of analysis and accountability. Women are viewed as the emotionally defunct one, or unworthy. Yet in my experience, I was the emotionally stable one, the educated one, the higher earner, the one in a healthy body.

We have failed to set a positive example, not provide a functional foundation for our generations to follow. Leaving them as their baseline subject to these structures of relations, housing, professions, wellness. As all of these areas continue to get more demanding and dangerous. While information is hijacked for profits.

I don't know what the reader will take for this, but I simultaneously question, who do I want to share company with? Women who are aligned to the same presence as me, or a lineage to create by helping a younger woman the way I needed help then.

I am still solving housing problems I can't contend with though which has kept me from even fostering animals.

And so, we end here right at the beginning.

And at least if you're going to watch societal programming trash you can watch ones about female writers who actually accomplish their goals.

Addition: TDWP2 was utter trash, I would give a review, but I couldn't focus on anything past the intro scene. It is a mix of distracting distorted facial work, poor acting, and dare I say a horrendous soundtrack. Just don't watch this junk friends.